Proud To Be An Infertility Survivor (cont'd)

Years.

I went through my first IVF cycle a few months after that horrible day. Young, otherwise healthy, very hopeful, and more terrified than I'd ever been, for weeks I injected myself with hormone shots and had nurses stick me with needles for daily blood work. I also had many ultrasounds. My body became a pin cushion and, in some ways, a piece of medical equipment. Finally, after two months of preparing, my eggs were ready, and I underwent surgery to harvest them. I was very lucky in that we got twenty one eggs out of that cycle, enough to create plenty of embryos and have “left overs” to freeze for future tries. The eggs were fertilized in a lab, and three days later, two of those embryos were put back into my womb. Two weeks later, the day after Mother's Day, I found out it had not worked, I was not pregnant, and my embryos had died inside of me. Dark days followed. Mostly there was fear... would it ever work? Would I ever get pregnant? Would I ever be able to make my husband a father? Why didn't it work the first time?

One month later, after weeks of additional hormone supplements, blood work and ultrasounds, we thawed out three of our frozen embryos and had them put back into my womb again. Two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant--it had worked! The fear did not end there, for there was a whole new set of fears after the positive pregnancy test. Would I miscarry? Would the baby be healthy? Would everything be ok? Nine months later, Ava Rose came into this world after a difficult pregnancy and birth. She was perfect. I felt whole for the first time. I felt like a woman again. Life was good. I nursed her for a year. I almost forgot, for a few months, that I was ever infertile. And then, when she was almost one, I realized how badly I wanted another pregnancy and another baby, and I began to feel obsessed with the idea, mostly because I was so terrified that I'd never be able to get pregnant again, that Ava would be our only child, that our luck had run out. I found myself wanting to do another IVF and get it over with just to know how it would all turn out.

Two weeks after Ava's first birthday, we thawed out three more of our frozen embryos and had them put back into my womb again. Two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant again. This time the feelings were different--there was elation (it worked again!), gratitude, and a sense of peace. I was much less afraid. Nine months later, after another very difficult pregnancy and scary birth (our son needed to be resuscitated at birth and ended up in the neonatal intensive care unit), Joseph James was here, and we now had two children, a daughter and a son. Life could not be any better than this! My favorite part about having two children now is seeing them together, seeing how loving Ava is to Joey, how easily she's taken to the role of being a Big Sister, how much she loves her Little Brother even though he's still new to her world and takes up so much of her mommy's time.

My husband and I have traded many things for the infertility experience. Our children were conceived in a lab, with the help of many doctors and nurses and embryologists--not in a bed in our home. The conception of our children was not private and personal--everyone close to us knew every detail of our IVF cycles. We'll never know what it feels like to create a child together through a physical expression of our love. We'll never know what it's like to have a surprise pregnancy. We'll never know what it's like to enjoy the baby making process. But, in turn, we have some wonderful experiences that non-infertile couples don't get to have. Our children’s baby books literally start with photos of them when they were embryos made up of just a few cells. We have a stronger bond from what we've been through together to start and expand our family. He held my hand during many of those hormone shots and medical procedures. He cried with me when the first IVF failed. He waited in fear with me as we sat through the first few months of the pregnancies, not knowing if they would "keep" and if the babies would be ok. And he was there in the O.R. with me when our miracle babies came into this world via c-section.

I am sure all parents love and appreciate their children with every fiber of their being, but there is another level of love and appreciation when you almost did not and could not have those children to begin with. And for that, I am most grateful and proud to be an infertility survivor.

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Tracey Offutt of Westminster, MD is a SAH mom to her children, Ava and Joey. Prior to becoming a mommy, Tracey was a journalist and pediatric R.N. Now she works part time as a nursing instructor and is also working towards a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner Degree and a Teaching Certificate.